Ever wonder who voices gaming's most iconic video game characters such as Bowser and Marcus Fenix? For most of you out there, seeing these familiar characters unmasked will not be easy, but we're right there with you.
Mario (Mario series) - Charles Martinet
Mario: Someone you wouldn't have to worry about leaving your children alone with.
This Guy: Creepy-looking albino who looks like someone you'd find rummaging through the beyond-strange fetish section of your local porn store.
Marcus Fenix (Gears of War) - John DiMaggio
No disrespect to Mr. Di Maggio, but in real life he seems more likely to kill a party size submarine sandwich than a horde of Locusts. At least he had that hall of fame baseball career to reminisce about... oh wait.
Bowser (Mario series) - Scott Burns
Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to grunt and growl like a Neanderthal, but that's basically what Scott Burns' voice-acting career has consisted of. We can imagine the conversations he has when he comes home to his girlfriend: "How was work today, sweetie?" "Well, I made the noise of a morbidly obese man with a fecal impaction that's feverishly scraping away the necrosis from his inner colon... I totally nailed it!"
Jill Valentine (Resident Evil 3: Nemesis) - Catherine Disher
This lardy bitch is a testament to the fact that just because the chick sounds hot on the phone, doesn't mean she is. But hey, don't get us wrong--we'd still pork this piggy... and then tell our friends that we did it with Jill Valentine!
Kratos (God of War series) - Terrence "T.C" Carson
How could such a lameass nobody well-known for his stint in the sitcom Living Single and the sequel to one of the worst horror movies of all time (Final Destination) nail the role of Kratos so brilliantly? Our guess is someone gave him the job out of pity for the guy when he threatened to off himself for having such a shitty acting career... and got lucky.
Crash Bandicoot (Crash Bandicoot series) - Brendan O'Brien
Aside from supplying the voice for everyone's favorite Aussie marsupial, Brendan has starred in feature films such as Race to Space (a movie about a chimpanzee that goes to space) and Grindhouse (2003... not the horror double-feature from Tarantino and Rodriguez, a different horror movie that nobody saw).
Nina (Tekken series) - Lisle Wilkerson
Miss Wilkerson is the only person that could actually kick the ass of every other voice actor on this list while battling an enraged rhino and sky-diving out of a burning building with twelve orphans strapped to her back. All that to say, we kind of pictured a more sultry-looking vixen to voice one of the sexiest game characters of all time, not a 'roided up boxing queen who enjoys UFC and dinner at the local vegan café.
Ratchet (Ratchet & Clank series) - James Arnold Taylor / Mikey Kelley
Oddly enough these two goofy-looking humans not only voiced Ratchet at one point in time, but they also voiced equally ridiculous Ninja Turtles in the recent film that helped extinguish any and all fond memories we had of the beloved heroes in a half shell. They both easily have enough cartoonish features to play Ratchet in a live action movie.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear series) - David Hayter
If Solid Snake could somehow know that the man voicing him looks like a grown up baby who poses like this during photo-shoots he'd probably snap his neck and stick him in a cardboard box to dispose of later. It's too bad though; we wish that Dave was actually an ex-military dude who spends late nights smoking three packs of cigarettes and going over boring CIA papers in a dark, damp basement while musing over the futility of mankind. Instead, we get this screenwriter here.
Princess Daphne (Dragon's Lair series) - Lucille Bliss
All together now: "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Ignorance really is "Bliss" because we wouldve all been better off not knowing that Dirk was in reality lusting after this saggy-skinned Golden Girls reject. Oh wait, she voiced Smurfette? Never mind... we take it all back.
Sonic (Sonic the Hedgehog series) - Ryan Drummond
You know that theory about how people resemble their pets, well we have another theory and it's that video game character designers sometimes secretly create a character's likeness around the bizarre-looking voice actor who plays the character.
Sam Fisher (Splinter Cell series) - Michael Ironside
Can you believe it? Sam Fisher is voiced by the dude from Scanners and Total Recall. We can't either. The villains Ironside typically portrays are more likely to kick doors down than to sneak around rappelling from ceilings.
Video Game Editors Unmasked
A note about the authors...
Patrick Shaw and Andy Burt (authors of this article)
On Andy...
Every once in awhile, a ginger kid is able to make it past puberty. The result is this lardy bitch known as Andy Burt. Despite the juxtaposition of freakishly red hair against a ungodly pale head, he is, in fact, not on fire all the time, though he is often described as being 'flaming.' On Patrick...
Did you ever wonder what Jesus would look like if he rose from the dead, ate Taco Bell and drank Jack Daniels for a month, and went on tour with Megadeth? Wonder no more. It's f'ing 2007, why the hell doesn't he chop off that nasty long hair of his? We're not always proud of what Andy and Patrick do on the site... but they carry on regardless. |
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